I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
