if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
