that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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