Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
