Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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