Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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