went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
