Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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