somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
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