Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
