I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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