My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I am available for nakedness
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
