I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
