I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
god, I love you
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.