Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
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He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
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I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana