I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"