god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
