There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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