Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
