did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
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please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize