Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
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i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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