he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
