I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
