A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
