I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
