i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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