Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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