if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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