Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
