I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
