Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
