I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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