My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
