i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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