Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
