It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
