I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
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he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
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When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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