i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Randomize
