you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
