I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
