Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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