I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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