You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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