I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
