I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
