Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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