i wish my penis had a tongue
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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