so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
