I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
