Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
