I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
