Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
