They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
