dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
