I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just blew my weed a kiss
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
