Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
