I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
