In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
