So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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