I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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