1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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