textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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